Wowzer... I decided to start a draft of a query letter for "Surrender" today. This is going to be REALLY hard. It's difficult making something sound interesting and fun, you know? I'm using a few sample query letters in the October 2010 issue of "Writer's Digest" as guidelines, but I still don't know if I have something solid. I wish I had an agent friend to read it over for me. At any rate, I just have to hope that it's the best and keep looking for other examples.
So, I'm seeking help (yet again) with my summary. I feel like I need to get it down to 1-3 sentences (as a hook). I know it's hard to help when you haven't read the entire novel, but hopefully you smart readers/writers out there could offer a little bit of help?
First question, if you read the following HOOK, would you be at all interested in the story?:
"Sixteen-year-old Evelyn is a biracial girl who learns that she was created by angels to be a vessel, a weapon for an approaching angelic war."
Or how about this:
"Evelyn has just learned that she was created by angels to be a vessel, a weapon to use in the approaching angelic war. However, she has to first decide which side--angels or demons--she wants to fight for."
Ahhh, please help! I can't believe how difficult this is.
Okay, and here's what I have for the summary for an agent. (I'm worried that it might give away too much of the story, thoughts?)
For the last six years, Evelyn and her father have hopped from state to state, hiding in big cities while running from something or someone from the past. As the last place she felt happy and secure, Evelyn returns to Falls, New Hampshire with her tiny and dysfunctional family. However, if she'd known that she was safer outside town, she wouldn't have moved back. Falls is not what it once was.
As a new student at Stonegrove High School, Evelyn discovers that she may never be a normal, happy girl. Her former best friend has vanished, she's followed by a young man who she is strangely drawn to, and a cute boy's attention is both confusing and exciting. And jsut when she has a handle on her new surroundings, her best friend Lucas Starr and Lillian, his mother, return and Evelyn's world tailspins. Lucas has changed and his mother has taken a peculiar interest in Evelyn.
On her seventeenth birthday, Evelyn dies and is reborn as an angel, a vessel full of life. She barely has time to readjust to her new self when she learns that she was created using the essence of the first Eve, matriarch of all humans, and that Lillian Starr is actually Lilith, Adam's first wife, an outcast of Eden, and mother to all demons. Focused on Lilith's need for revenge, the war above is just barely stirring, and Evelyn is uncertain of where her focus should be. She tries to lean on her friends only to realize that they can't, and shouldn't, interfere. Evelyn is forced to realize that she may always be alone.
I know ya'll are probably sick of these posts, but I'd love to hear a few opinions. This is hard. :(
Side note: I will be publishing the next chapter of "Surrender" (new material that none of my blog followers will have read yet) on FictionPress hopefully by the end of the night.
Okay, those hooks work but I feel like they're really bare bones and they did grab my attention but I think you should try and put more personality into it so that it'll stand out more and stick.
ReplyDeleteSo I looked at them as if I'd never read the beginning of the actual story and didn't know her situation and here are the things that popped into my head that would've made me keep reading:
oh, since she was created does that mean she's an orphan? was she raised by angels and they kept it a secret? or did they just create her and she had no memory of who she was? If the angels created her, does she really have a choice? Why would it be difficult to choose between helping angels or demons?
For the book jacket, I think what you have there works if you're sending it as a summary to an agent but it's definitely giving away too much of the plot with that last paragraph.
I'd change it so it would read more like;
"On her seventeenth birthday, Evelyn dies and is reborn as a vessel. She barely has times to come to terms with what she has become when she learns about a war that is brewing and the choice she has to make that may end the friendships she's tried so hard to create."
It has the same idea of that last paragraph you have up there but it doesn't give away major plot points, just hints at things. I'd even keep the angel thing a secret to be learned when you read the book. I was going to say stop at just reborn but my first thought if I read that would be vampire and we don't want that, lol.
And this may just be me, but I feel like you're showing her as being really unhappy. Examples:
[As the last place she felt happy and secure, Evelyn returns to Falls, New Hampshire with her tiny and dysfunctional family]
[Evelyn discovers that she may never be a normal, happy girl.]
[Evelyn is forced to realize that she may always be alone.]
It might fit with the plot but it seems to be the major defining point but I think she comes off more as determined. She's determined to be happy, she takes care of her father and the household and she's not happy about it but she gets it done and it's admirable and shows she's strong, your blurb doesn't show that part of her, she's just unsure/unhappy.
I don't quite know how to explain myself, lol, it's not a major deal, I'm being nitpicky, lol and I would still probably read the first chapter or two to see if it would work for me.
Nitpicky is GREAT!! Really good points about her just seeming unsure/unhappy--the story isn't all about that. So that's something I'll have to think about. Also, the summary was more for the agents and not really the book jacket--I should rephrase that. I loved your rewrite:
ReplyDelete"On her seventeenth birthday, Evelyn dies and is reborn as a vessel. She barely has times to come to terms with what she has become when she learns about a war that is brewing and the choice she has to make that may end the friendships she's tried so hard to create."
I may steal that, Jammi. :)
To your other questions:
She's not an orphan, but to go much beyond that may throw plot points. Let's just say she had an angel in her life before they left Falls.
Also: "If the angels created her, does she really have a choice? Why would it be difficult to choose between helping angels or demon"
REALLY GOOD POINT!
I think the idea that she doesn't have a choice will be better for the larger story. I struggled a bit with "is she a good vessel or a bad" when all along I knew she would be what's considered "good" so that probably takes up a lot of space in the novel.
Thanks so much for your comments. Keep being nitpicky. :)
Feel free, lol, I think summaries are even harder to write then the actual story because you have all of this information in your head but you have to try and pick the juicy bits without giving away the story while doing it in a way that isn't misleading, lol.
ReplyDeleteI do think that it'll be interesting to see how it plays out when it comes to the choice thing, even if it's just the illusion of having a choice. All of her life she's done the right thing, has been responsible taking care of a man that doesn't seem to care about her and now she has to choose between her best friend [the main reason she came back to Haven] and the Angels.
Who may or may not be the good guys, lol, in my question I automatically assumed the angels were good and then I remembered Supernatural and their take on angels, lol.
And the vessel/weapon thing itself is super intriguing. I mean, people have a hard enough time dealing with being adopted, lol.
And I meant to say, for the first hook you mentioned she was biracial but it never comes up again, is it something that you think agents might want to know?
And when I said more personality I meant something like this [I just realised that that was a really vague thing to say, lol]:
[Between holding two jobs, paying the bills and taking care of her drug addict father, sixteen year old Evelyn has enough on her plate as it is. Learning that she's a vessel created by angels to fight a war when she doesn't even know whose side she's on might just be her breaking point.]
I have no idea if it actually will bring her to a breaking point but it shows the circumstances she's in so you can assume the type of person she is, the fact that she was a vessel created by angels, and then there's the choice issue.
I'd really look into queries that have sold in your genre and see how they set it up. Or even just look at the back of some of your favourite stories and see what they have that really grabbed you and whether or not the back blurb matched what you expected without spoiling it.
Here's an example of a query letter that I really liked. She used to have the first five chapters up on her blog but she got an agent and took them down:
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=91650186451
I want to mention that she's biracial because I feel like most of the characters being published in YA now are all white. The biracial thing is new, in my opinion, but it doesn't really weigh heavily on the story. I also like your personalized hook--stealing that too ;). Don't worry I'll be sure to thank you in the acknowledgments!!! :) I think that "breaking point" works well, Evelyn has a few in the story.
ReplyDeleteI plan to do a lot of research on queries still. I just figured I'd start writing out a draft. I'll likely post it here eventually. :) I loved that link too, I plan to print it out! Thanks again for all your help.
YA Supernatural anyway (in regard to race of the main characters)
ReplyDeleteIt's no problem. And yeah, getting a draft down will probably make it easier when you have to make any adjustments and practice makes perfect.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a good point about the lack of diverse characters in YA, supernatural or other.
You can always slip it in further down in the query somewhere but I doubt it'll be an issue.
Thanks for all your input.
ReplyDeletePutting it further in the query letter is a good idea, I did feel that it was a little disconnected where I have it now. :)
Hey! I was actually working on query letter right now and struggling. I just typed up a long comment and for some reason there was an error posting it and I've lost it all :( Maybe if you are online we can chat about it in a few minutes instead.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate it when blogger does that and wipes the comment out :(. That happened to me too. But, yes, let's chat query letters. Send me an email or something?
ReplyDelete